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30 Ways
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"Advance praise for Tongue Fu! at School: I love this book. It applies the principles of Eastern martial arts to a raging problem in schools-a lack of rapport and respect between those in school that can lead to a culture of suspicion and diminished results. This practical guidebook can be a real help for a real problem and it does so entertainingly."
-Paul Houston, Executive Director, American Association of School Administrators
"Want to empower the teens and teachers in your life? Buy them this book. It's packed with specific suggestions and fascinating examples showing how we can communicate to connect in the classroom, on the playground, and in the halls."
-Eric Chester, Founder of Generation Why, Inc. and Coordinator of the Teen Power Book Series
"Words matter. A key to positive discipline in the classroom is knowing how to communicate respectfully so students can hear what others say without taking offense. This insightful book shares exactly what to say in dozens of real-life situations so educators, parents, and students can be accountable for appropriate behavior without fear of blame or shame."
-Jane Nelsen, author, Positive Discipline series of books.
"A must read for educators, parents, coaches, club leaders, and anyone interested in helping kids become responsible, resourceful, resilient people who can act in their own best interest, stand up for values and against injustices, while respecting the rights and legitimate needs of others."
-Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It!
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Rights:
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articles may be reprinted in your company newsletter or publication as long as
you send us a copy of the publication when the article appears, and you include the
following:
Reprinted
with permission
from Sam Horn, President of Action Keynotes, Consulting,
Creative, Outstanding Capital Speaker of the Year (2003-04), and author of
Tongue Fu! ® For a FREE quiz, information on Sam's books, or to
schedule Sam to speak for your group, visit
www.SamHorn.com.
Want more information on how you can communicate more cooperatively with people in all areas of your life?
Visit Sam's
Top Ten
Tongue Fu!® Tips for getting along with just about anyone, anytime, anywhere.
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Lisa, a mother of eight year old twins, told me, “I’ve seen all the studies
that report how important is to be involved in your children’s education.
But every time I try to talk to their teachers, I get the impression
I’m bothering them. Any
suggestions?”
“Perhaps
it’s the way you’re talking to them,” I gently suggested.
“Teachers today are over-worked, under-paid, and under-appreciated.
A friend who’s an elementary school teacher told me, ‘I try to do the
best I can for each student, but it’s hard when there are 30 kids in every
class. The other day, a parent called to complain that her son didn’t
understand how to do his homework and she wanted me to spend extra time with him
in class. I tried to tell her I don’t have an aide and I’m doing the best I
can, but she wouldn’t even listen to me. She ended up accusing me of ‘not
caring.’ It’s so unfair.’”
Would
you like to know how to approach teachers sensitively so they’re receptive to
your requests? Here are 3 common
scenario’s with suggestions that could increase the likelihood they’ll hear
you out – and choose to cooperate.
Your Child Receives a Bad Grade
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Harmful
Approach |
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Helpful
Approach
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| "Clarissa always gets
A's. There must be a mistake." |
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"Can we talk about
Clarissa's grade? This is out of the ordinary for her." |
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| "You should have
contacted us when she failed those tests so we knew she was
flunking." |
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"In the future, if
Clarissa gets a poor grade on a test, could you please notify us so we
can catch it early?" |
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Notice: The harmful approach assumes there was an error and uses extreme words
("always, must") which produce extreme reactions. The word
"should" criticizes the teacher for something that has already happened which serves no good purpose - because no one can undo the past. As the saying goes, "We can't motivate people to do better by making them feel bad." The word
"should" makes people feel bad and doesn't suggest how this situation could be handled better.
Try This Instead: Use the words "Can we
talk" to open the conversation without blaming. Use the words
"In the future" so you're politely suggesting how this could be handled differently from now on. The words
"In the future," "From now on" and
"next time" are ways of coaching mistakes instead of criticizing them. |
Your Child Has Been Out Sick and Missed a
Lot of School
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Harmful
Approach |
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Helpful
Approach
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| "You need to send
her assignments home with her friend so she can get caught up." |
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"Could you please
send her assignments home with Molly so she can get caught up?" |
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| "You'll just have to
be patient. It's not her fault she got the flu." |
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"Please understand
that she feels bad about missing class and is going to do her best to
get caught up." |
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Notice: The words "You'll have to" and
"You need to" are orders. Do you know anyone who likes to be ordered around? Those words often cause knee-jerk negative reactions because they make people feel verbally pushed around.
Try This Instead: As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Life is not so short but that there's always time for courtesy." Instead of telling people what they have or need to do (which usually produces resentment), turn those orders into courteous requests. Asking
"Could you please" gives people incentive to respond in kind because they're being treated with the respect they want, need, and deserve.
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Your Child Has Been Bullied on the Bus
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Harmful
Approach |
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Helpful
Approach
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| "I have a problem
with the way you handled this." |
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"What else can we
do to make sure this doesn't happen again?" |
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| "I know he's been
suspended, but that's not good enough." |
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"I realize he's been
suspended, and what assurances do we have that he's learned his
lesson?" |
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Notice: The Harmful Approach uses the word "problem" which is a "fighting phrase" that accuses people and puts them on the defensive. The word
"you" makes this statement come across as an attack. Plus, the word
"but" pits people as adversaries. (Just look at these phrases . . ."I hear what you're saying,
but . . ."
"I know I agreed to do that, but . . . " I'm sorry that happened,
but . . . ") Simply said, people who use the word "but" will end up arguing because they're re-butting each other's points of view.
Try This Instead: Use the word "we" which puts people on the same side instead of side against side. Replace the phrase
"I have a problem" which focuses on fault --with "What else can we
do" which focuses on solutions. Use the word "and" which acknowledges what's being said instead of arguing with it. And, when dealing with troublesome situations, ask how this could be improved instead of giving an ultimatum. Asking questions gives the other person autonomy and they're more likely to suggest a solution because we're sharing control instead of asserting it.
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Do you have other challenging situations with your child's teacher, and you'd like to learn how to handle them constructively vs. destructively?
Get a copy of Tongue Fu!® at School: 30 Ways to Get Along with Teachers, Principals, Students, and Parents (Taylor Trade Publishing, June 2004). It is packed with suggestions that provide you with, as Don Cameron, former Executive Director of National Education Association said, "a specific road map for cooperation and conflict resolution."
Contact Sam Horn's
West coast office at (805) 528-4351;
or send her an e-mail at
sam@samhorn.com
Sam's
Innovation web Site's
http://www.samhorn.com
http://www.samhornpop.com
Check out
Sam's
Take the Bully by the Horn's Audio Learning System Only -- $25.00
find the full description at: http://www.takethebullybythehorns.com
Find all
Sam's real life ready to read learn then apply Verbal self
defense products, Seminars, Certifications, Downloads and
Hardcover's at:
http://www.tonguefu.com
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