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ENDORSEMENTS —
"Easy to read.  Validating and inspiring.  Practical to the core.  Sam Horn takes the unpleasant topic of bullies and helps us take are of ourselves like never before.  That's bodacious!" - Mary Foley, author of "Bodacious!  An AOL Insider Cracks the Code to Outrageous Success for Women"

"A wonderful guide to setting limits with difficult people. Sam Horn helps us to recognize and respond to inappropriate and intrusive behavior with clarity and conviction."  Patti Breitman, co-author HOW TO SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

"In an age where rudeness 'rules' and people complain that being polite takes too long, Sam Horn offers a welcome wealth of sensible, civil alternatives for setting limits and handling pushy people who trespass on your personal territory." - Leslie Charles, author of "Why Is Everyone So Cranky?"

Sam Horn, the Grandmaster of Tongue-fu, now applies her original insight and delightful wit to guide you toward a black-belt in bully-management. And, "Take the Bully by the Horns" offers even more than the title suggests. As you read and develop your  "verbal samurai" skills,  you will also deepen your understanding of human nature in a way that will enrich all your relationships.  -  Michael J. Gelb  author of "How to Think Like Leonardo daVinci" and "Discover Your Genius: How to Think Like Historys Ten Most Revolutionary Minds"

"If only I had listened to my instincts," Kathy sighed. "I had never been pursued so ardently. I met Ron at a tennis round robin.  He asked me out the next night, the next night, and the next.  By our sixth date, he asked me to marry him.  I hadn't even been thinking about getting married, but I got swept up in this whirlwind romance and his insistence that we were 'meant' to be together. He assured me he would plan everything, and I ended up giving in to his intensity."

"And he did plan everything. He planned the wedding, our honeymoon, our home . . . and the next five years of my life.   The night before we were supposed to walk down the aisle, I had a heart-to-heart with my sister and maid of honor.  In the middle of our celebratory evening my sister looked at me and asked, 'What's wrong?'  I started crying and confessed, 'I want to get in a car, start driving, and never look back.'

'Stunned, she asked, 'Why?' I admitted I didn't want to marry my husband-to-be.  He had given me the bum's rush (if I'd only realized then how true those words would be) and I had said yes because he'd had more than enough conviction for both of us. My gut was waving a huge red flag telling me not to go through with the wedding; but I thought it was too late to back out."

Are You Dealing With A Control-Monger?
"I'm in favor of free expression, provided it's kept rigidly in control." - Alan Bennett, British actor

"Over the next few years, as long as I went along with what Ron wanted, things were okay.  When I started getting a mind of my own, life started going downhill fast.  If I didn't want to do what he wanted, when he wanted, the way he wanted, he got upset.  If I questioned his opinion about something, there was hell to pay.  I went to a therapist to get some advice, and after listening to me for awhile, she asked, "Why did you marry such a controlling person?'

"I laughed in instant recognition of the truth.  'It never even occurred to me,' I told her shaking my head,   'I just thought he really loved me." The therapist told me that Ron had displayed the classic signs of a controlling bully early on, I just hadn't known it.  The urgent pursuit, the pressure to commit, the handling of all the details . . . all were indications of someone who has to be in charge.

"In retrospect, there were other danger signs; I just didn't realize it.  In that first year, he started to cut me off from the people I cared about.  He never wanted to go to my folks' house for Sunday dinner and he was always trashing my friends. When I met him, he was really unhappy with his job and very bitter about his ex-wife.  I just thought he had a bad boss and a witch for an ex-wife.  It was only after being around him awhile that I realized EVERY manager he worked with was incompetent and EVERY woman in his life had somehow 'screwed him over.' I wish I had listened to my intuition.  When he was telling me all these terrible things about his former wife, this little voice inside me said, 'Someday he's going to be saying these kinds of things about you.' That little voice was right."

Beware:  Bullies in the Area
"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person." - Dave Barry

This man had indeed displayed several of the ominous characteristics of a control-freak.  One of the primary signs was he hurried her into getting hitched.  He was afraid she'd "find him out" if he waited too long so he rushed her to the altar so she was locked in before she had time to discover what he was really like.

If you're getting involved with someone, you might want to compare his/her behavior to the following checklist to see how he or she stacks up.  In addition to the bully behaviors we've already discussed (ignoring or violating other people's rights, incessant demands and demeans), these red flag behaviors are a warning that's something's amiss with this individual.  If you mark more than a few of these characteristics; it might be in your best interests to bide your time and get to know this person better before making any long-term commitments.

Tell-Tale Traits of a Tyrant Checklist

1. Dissonance.  Psychologists agree that one of the primary indicators of a troubled person is incongruent behavior.  As Dave Barry pointed out, someone who is nice to you and nasty to "the help" is not who he or she seems.  Someone who lets slip racist remarks and then tries to laugh them off is revealing his or her true character (or lack of). Someone who says he or she loves children but seems remote or rigid when around them is displaying dissonance -- defined as "inconsistency between the beliefs one holds and his or her actions."  What this means is that you cannot take this person at his or her word.  Everything they say will be suspect because you won't know when they're telling the truth and when they're not.

2. Possessiveness.  Someone who comes on strong and wants (or has!) to be with you constantly is showing a dangerous need to have you all to him or herself.  Possessiveness is defined as "a desire to own or dominate."  Bullies often don't have many (or any) friends of their own which means they grow to resent your other relationships.  Does this person pout or try to make you feel guilty for abandoning him or her when you spend time with others? Does this person want to know all about your previous partners, and somehow resent the fact that you've been with someone other than him or her? Bullies are so insecure they see everyone you care for as competition and as a threat to their dominance. This reluctance to share you with others will only get worse and become more perverse.

3. Secrecy.  People who don't want to discuss where they work and live, and don't want you to meet their friends or family may have something to hide.  People who refuse to reveal anything about their past are often concealing emotional baggage.  What you don't know can hurt you.  Someone who doles out self-revelations in small quantities may seem mysterious and alluring in the beginning.  In the long run, being with a private person who withholds most of himself or herself gets lonesome.

4.  Bitterness. Does this person have a lot of animosity for his or her parents, former spouse, or previous managers?   Please understand you will be reliving and working out the unresolved traumas of this individual's childhood and prior relationships.  You've heard the Zen saying, "Wherever you go, there you are?"  This person hasn't yet figured out that his or her source of enmity is internal, not external.  If this individual is lugging around deep-seated resentments or bitterness, it is only a matter of time before he or she starts accusing you of the same "crimes" former significant others supposedly perpetrated upon him or her.

5. Cruelty to domestic animals. It's one thing to dislike dogs or be allergic to cats, it's another to intentionally injure an innocent animal.  People who see no harm in deliberately wounding a living creature are lacking humanity.  If you see someone purposely inflict pain on an animal, don't accept any explanations.  Head for the nearest exit. The next animal they hurt may be you. (Please note that hunters can be exempt from this.  In certain areas, hunting is still a tradition and doesn't necessarily connote a unmerciful spirit. Draw your own conclusions about the potential of cruelty based on this individual's treatment of all animals.)

6.  Twists words. Does this person take what you say and turn it into something you didn't mean?  Do you sometimes feel on the defensive -- and don't even know why?  Does this person obfuscate -- make confusing statements and then accuse you of misunderstanding?   Bullies often make and break promises and then claim they never made them in the first place.  This is a crazy-making ploy designed to turn you inside-out so you don't know what's up.

7.  Holds you responsible for their unhappiness.  Does this person blame you for his or her bad moods?  If they're sad, it's because you didn't ask about their day?  If they're depressed, it's because you don't take them anywhere anymore?  If they're angry, it's because you said something that provoked them? There will be no pleasing this kind of person.  They essentially haven't grown up, and never will as long as they continue holding everyone else but themselves accountable for how they feel.

8.  Perfectionist.  Does this person nit-pick?  Does he or she have such high standards no one ever measures up?  Does this individual have to do things himself because anyone else would just "mess it up"?  If you're still in the honeymoon or courting phase, you may be temporarily exempt from this person's unceasing criticism.  In time though, their insistence on things being done a certain way (their way) will transfer to you and then you'll never be able to do anything right.  Jimmy Hoffa once said, "I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them."  Tyrants won't admit to any faults, least of all being wrong.

9.  Pinpoints your weakness and uses them against you.  Tyrants have a talent for ferreting out your emotional Achilles Heel and hobbling you with it.  If you don't want to be considered selfish, they'll call you selfish.  If you don't want to be perceived as controlling, they'll accuse you of being controlling.  If you're unsure of your parenting skills, they'll attack your parenting skills.  This is a classical Machiavellian method of exploiting your weakness so you're impotent (lacking power or strength) and they're omnipotent (having unlimited influence or authority.) Their goal is to make you doubt yourself so you're vulnerable to their attempts to own you.

10.  Plays martyr.  Does he or she try to lay on the guilt trip by saying things like, "Go ahead and go skiing with your friends.   I don't mind. I mean, who wants to spend time with an old fogie like me anyway? I'm sure I'll find something to do."  Does this person play the long-suffering individual who's unappreciated?  Is it a common theme that he or she is the only one who holds things together and everyone else is frivolous, hedonistic, and thinks only of him or herself?

11.  Hates to have authority questioned.  Does this person take umbrage if you dare dispute his or her facts, opinions, or observations?  Does he or she come across as a "know-it-all" who has to have all the answers?  Bullies can't stand to be challenged because they're afraid their "power-house of cards" could come falling down. Their "my way or the highway" communication style is based on their need to be in control and beyond reproach.

If you disagree with this person, does he or she escalate their intensity in an effort to force you to concede?  If so, it means that every conversation is going to turn into a verbal battleground.  It means this person will start disparaging your intelligence, expertise, and experience so you no longer know what you know and won't have the intellectual confidence to challenge them.

12:  Lies, Lies, Lies:  Mark Twain once commented that "Truth is more of a stranger than fiction." Does that description fit the person you're dealing with?  Does he or she self-aggrandize and exaggerate his or her achievements?  In order to win respect, bullies often claim to have been to places they've never been, boast of knowing people they've never met, and excel at things they've never tried.

In the mid 1970's, I had the privilege of working with Grand-Slam tennis champion Rod Laver at his Hilton Head Island resort.  A couple times a year we sponsored national tennis camps.  Every once in awhile, someone would blow in and we would sense that we were able to deal with a type of individual the Aussies playfully refer to as "all flap and no throttle."  These "blowhards" always talked a bigger game than they delivered.

Does the person you're dealing with display "blowhard" tendencies?  Does he or she wax eloquently (or not so eloquently) about past accomplishments?  Did this individual somehow manage in the first few minutes of meeting you to let you know how much money he made, what degrees she had, or what awards he's won?  Was she so intent on impressing you with her curriculum vitae that she failed to ask about yours?  Watch out.  Red alert.  Bellicose bully on the loose.

Way 8 Address The Strategy, Not the Substance shared some "Do the You" ways to cut off these "whatever gloats your boat" types.  For now, what's important is to understand that these "look at me" personality types don't change.  What you see and hear is what you'll get . . . and get and get.

Beware of the "Fault" Line
"My mother could make anyone feel guilty.  She used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know."  -  Joan Rivers

A man named Steve talked to me following a seminar and said, "I think anyone getting into a relationship ought to read through this check list first.  It sent chills up and down my spine because you described my ex-girlfriend to a T.  She was displayed every single one of those characteristics.  She chased me until she caught me, then once she caught me, I couldn't do anything right.  She used to listen in on my phone calls and interrogate me about my old girlfriends.  She was paranoid about me even looking at another woman. She smothered me.  What's worse is that, somehow, she made me feel that everything was my fault. Even when I tried to end the relationship, it was because 'I was giving up on us' and 'I was afraid of commitment.  She tried to make me feel guilty for 'throwing her out' even though she was the one who had pushed so hard to move in with me.  She never for a moment considered that she played any role in what went wrong.  It was all on me."

Are You Dealing with a Part-time or Full-time Tyrant?
 "A critic is someone who's at his best when you're at your worst."  -Tony Pelleto

A tyrant is someone who does his or her best to make you feel worse.   Are you involved with someone who displays a mixture of these traits?  Are you thinking, "Well, my partner does some of these things some of the times, but so do I! After all, no one is perfect." You're right.  The key issue is how frequently your partner engages in these behaviors and whether he or she is willing to change.  Do you have any clout or leverage with them?  Are they open to input or are they so defensive they'll dispute anything you say?  Way 12 Know When To Hold 'Em, When To Fold 'Em has a series of questions you can ask to determine whether this relationship is worth saving or whether you may need to end the relationship to save yourself.  First, it's important to evaluate whether one of the reasons this individual has been taking advantage of your good nature is because you're too . . . good-natured.

Action Plan and Discussion Questions

Think back to a bully you dealt with in your life.  Did he or she display any tell-tale traits of a tyrant in the beginning?  Which ones?

At the time, did you believe those behaviors were a temporary, legitimate result of negative situations?  Explain

Is there a person in your life right now who has more than five of these traits?  Does knowing these are patterned behaviors motivate you to change your relationship with this person?  Why or why not?

Could you be contributing to this unsatisfactory relationship?  What is your role and responsibility in what's happening?

Summary of Look Out for the Tell-Tale Traits of a Tyrant

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Reprint Rights:  Sam Horn's articles are copyrighted so if you would like to reprint any of these articles, please contact Sam Horn for permission and include the following: 

"Reprinted (or excerpted) with permission from Action Seminars' newsletter by Sam Horn, author of Tongue Fu! and Take The Bully By The Horns, www.samhorn.com, 805-528-4351."