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Sam Horn, the Grandmaster of Tongue-fu, now applies her original insight and delightful wit to guide you toward a black-belt in bully-management. And, "Take the Bully by the Horns" offers even more than the title suggests. As you read and develop your  "verbal samurai" skills,  you will also deepen your understanding of human nature in a way that will enrich all your relationships.  -  Michael J. Gelb  author of "How to Think Like Leonardo daVinci" and "Discover Your Genius: How to Think Like Historys Ten Most Revolutionary Minds"

"Easy to read.  Validating and inspiring.  Practical to the core.  Sam Horn takes the unpleasant topic of bullies and helps us take are of ourselves like never before.  That's bodacious!" - Mary Foley, author of "Bodacious!  An AOL Insider Cracks the Code to Outrageous Success for Women"

"A wonderful guide to setting limits with difficult people. Sam Horn helps us to recognize and respond to inappropriate and intrusive behavior with clarity and conviction." - Patti Breitman, co-author HOW TO SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

"In an age where rudeness 'rules' and people complain that being polite takes too long, Sam Horn offers a welcome wealth of sensible, civil alternatives for setting limits and handling pushy people who trespass on your personal territory." - Leslie Charles, author of "Why Is Everyone So Cranky?"

THIS HAS BEEN AN EXTREMELY CHALLENGING CHAPTER TO WRITE because there initially seemed to be few viable answers to the question "How can you stop a bully from picking on you at school?"  If it's been hard for me to write, imagine what it's like to live.

A vanload of teenage boys told me, "Mrs. Horn, the advice adults give us about bullies is a joke.  They tell us, 'If someone picks on you, just walk away.' Right!" they snorted.  "If we walk away, the bully will come after us. Parents tell us, 'Report bullies to your teacher.'" They all snorted again.  "If we tell teachers what happened, they say they can't do anything because they didn't see it.  If bullies do get in trouble, they get suspended—which is what they want anyway."

Are the boys giving me this report from an inner city school where gangs are the norm?  No, they attend a public school in a county that is often lauded as one of the finest academic school districts in the country.  This school boasts a record-breaking high school miler, extracurricular activities galore, and many National Honor Society members.  It also has an everyday threat of bullying that almost every other school-aged child in our country has to face Monday through Friday.

A study by the National Association of School Psychologists done in the fall of 2000 reported that more than 160,000 children a day skip school because they fear bullies.  A National Institutes of Health study released in the Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that almost a third of sixth to tenth graders—5.7 million children nationwide—have experienced some kind of bullying.  "A lot of kids have grief, loss, pain, and it's unresolved," the study said.  What can we do?

Convince Bullies to Leave You Alone
"To a child that is picked on, having a good friend, being accepted for what you are, or just simply being left alone would be like a dream." —"THE BROKEN TOY"

One of the first things we can do is to stop handing our kids meaningless platitudes that minimize their trauma and give them the impression we don't understand what they're going through.  When kids hear the clichéd advice, "Bullies bother you to get attention.  Ignore them and they'll leave you alone," they feel like no one is really listening.

Many articles on this subject and in-school programs suggest that kids befriend the bully.  This "remove the thorn from the misunderstood lion's paw and he'll become the lamb's friend" idea works ...occasionally.  However, as my friend Mary Loverde says, "You can remove the thorn from the lion's paw, but he's still a lion, and when he gets hungry, you're lunch!"

Are You a Lamb or a Lion?
"The lion and the lamb may lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep." —WOODY ALLEN

Mary, author of I Used to Have a Handle on Life, but it Broke, pegged it.  "We'd love to believe that love will prevail and that if we don't bother a bully, he or she won't bother us."  In the real world, kids jockey for position.  As Barbara Kingsolver so astutely observed, adolescence is a time when kids are establishing where the are in the great pecking order of life.  We may wish this weren't so, but children constantly size each other up to figure out who's the alpha dog.  Trying to ignore a bully invites aggression because it is perceived as avoidance.

I've come to the conclusion that we do children a disservice when we give them the impression that their only and best option is to stay away from bullies.  That's just not realistic.  Telling children to stay away from someone who's mistreating them gives bullies continued power and relegates your son or daughter to living in fear.  I think it is far better to teach children how to take care of themselves so they can deal with aggressors instead of hide from them.

You may agree with this in theory.  The question is, how can children deal with bullies without putting themselves at risk?  One way is to become a cool cat.

Adopt Your Cat's Courage
A cat who doesn't run is no fun. —MURPH, SAM HORN'S DOG

Do you have a cat and a dog at home?  Have you ever noticed how your cat usually rules the roost, even if your dog is the larger, stronger animal?  Look at what happens when your dog approaches.  Your cat usually arches her back, puffs up, and glares menacingly at the dog.  If your cat holds her ground, your dog will often back off and not bother her because she has such a "paws off" presence.

I see this played out every day I walk my dog Murph.  We have several cats on our street.  One, Mr. Gray Cat, has an imperial presence.  When he sees Murph coming, he—there's no other word for it—expands.  He puffs himself up, stands his ground, and glares at Murph.  Murph gives him a wide berth because he exudes a "Don't even think about it" attitude.

On the other hand, there's a calico cat who panics as soon as she sees us and takes off running.  Murph is at the end of her leash straining to get at her.  Hmmm. Two different cats, two different attitudes, two different outcome.

I think kids need to adopt the attitude of Mr. Gray Cat when dealing with a kid who's trying to establish him- or herself as a top dog.  Tell them to picture how your cat can back down a dog three times her size simply by standing her ground and sending out a "Don't even think about it" attitude.  Standing your ground is such an important concept.  A child trying to walk away from a bully will often have the same effect as a cat trying to slink away from a dog.  Cats know not to show fear or the dog will be after them in a second.  Most dogs would win a battle with a cat if they tried, but they don't try when they can tell the cat will defend itself.

Be a Cool Cat
"You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you." —LEO TOLSTOY

Most children are not interested in bullying others.  Unfortunately, there are probably children who are interested in bullying them.  At the dinner table tonight, talk about this cat-dog scenario.  Ask you kids to picture the difference between a scaredy cat and a cool cat.  Suggest that from now on they might want to act like a cool cat if someone starts picking on the.  Stand in front of a mirror and ask them to adopt the pose of a scaredy cat.  They'll probably duck their head, hunch their shoulders, and look like they're ready to flee.  Now ask them to pull themselves up to their full height and project a "Don't even think about bothering me" look.  The following are just a few of the ways the can look like a cool cat.

Now Is the Time for All Good People to Come to Their Own... Self-Defense
"At the bottom of every one of your fears is the fear that you can't handle whatever life may bring you." —SUSAN JEFFERS

You may be wondering, "Aren't there more tangible ways for my kids to protect themselves if they're being picked on?"  Matter of fact, yes.  While I was being prepped for an appearance on the TV program To Tell the Truth (what fun), I noticed a photo on the makeup artist's mirror of him and his son receiving their black belts in karate.  I asked about it and he told me how this had come about.  His son had been the smallest kid in his class, and as a result, he got pushed around a lot.  The father said, "In the beginning, I told him to mind his own business, but realized what useless advice that was when he told me, 'Dad, I tried to ignore them, but it doesn't work.  Who likes to be ignored?' That's when I realized bullies who are ignored escalate their behavior so they're forced to pay attention to them.  I decided to sign us both up for marital arts classes.  Within weeks, I noticed a change.  My son held himself differently and projected a confidence that just hadn't been there before.  After that, it didn't matter that my son was still one of the smallest kids in school.  Tough guys leave him alone because they know he can take care of himself."

Do your children know how to take care of themselves?  Registering your children and yourself in s self-defense or martial arts course is a good investment in bully prevention.  Hopefully, you'll never have to use the skills you learn in class (unless you choose to compete in contest).  However, the physical assurance you gain from knowing how to neutralize attacks will persuade most bullies to walk on by.  Your "cool cat" confidence changes the risk-benefit ration because you no longer look like easy prey.  As this father said, "My son may not be able to stop bullies from hassling everybody.  he can stop them from hassling him."

Another way we can help children achieve a cat-like confidence is to role-play scenarios in which they stand up to bullies instead of run from them.

Turn Learned Helplessness into Acquired Courage
"It is terribly easy to shake a man's faith in himself.  To take advantage of that, to break a man's spirit is the devil's work." —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

Learned helplessness is a psychological term that describes the dispirited mental state that results from being repeatedly put in situation in which we feel powerless.  Anxiety is defined a "not knowing."  Most of us have never been taught how to deal with someone who is threatening us.  Since we don't know what to do or say to make bullies leave us alone, we feel helpless around them.  This makes matters worse because bullies sense our fear and are emboldened by it.

Furthermore, confidence is defined in two words: "I can."  Think about it.  If you have a high level of competence in something, you feel confident in that situation.  Most of us don't feel we're good at handling bullies.  This lack of know-how makes us even more afraid, which encourages more aggression.

What to do?  Children can counteract this feeling of hopelessness and helplessness by practicing situations in which they respond competently to a bully's attack.  By rehearsing scenarios in which they think and act confident, they know what to do the next time someone tries to bully them.

This weekend, take your children aside and tell them you're going to play a game.  You're going to pretend to be a bully so they can practice standing up for themselves.  Let your child know you're going to say mean things so they can practice coming back with "cool cat" responses.  Ask which remarks bother them so you can prepare them for the real thing.  Throughout the weekend, say "Here come that bully," which is your password for this game.  Then walk up and say something like "Hey, shrimp, give me your sandwich."  They can rehearse puffing up and saying something like "oh, go pick on someone who's not half your size."

Brainstorm responses that work so they have a repertoire of remarks that will convince bullies to take it somewhere else.  Role-playing desensitizes them so they're no longer taken aback (look at the significance of those words) by taunts.  The next time a bully challenges them, they will have "been there, practiced this," so they'll be able to think on their feet instead of being struck dumb.

Believe You Are Brave, Inside and Out
"I went to a really tough school.  We wrote essays on what we wanted to be IF we grew up." —LENNY BRUCE

There's another way to help children bully-proof themselves.  Fellow author Victoria Moran told me a wonderful story about a famous actress she was privileged to meet.  Victoria was interviewing the woman for her book Lit from Within, which discusses how we can be beautiful inside and out.  Victoria was intrigued with this woman's style and wanted to know how she had acquired the reputation of being a room-stopper, the type of person everyone looks at admiringly when she walks in because she has such commanding presence.  The woman confessed, "I'm not really beautiful.  I realized a long time ago that life would be better if I was, so I decided to be beautiful, and people have believed it ever since."

Life will be better if children decide to be brave.  Once they believe they are brave, other children will believe it, too.  Children who have been targeted by a bully spend a lot of time thinking about what the bully has done to them and worrying about what the bully will do to them.  Focusing on these frightening images causes them to be filled with dread—the opposite of determination.  The good news is, they can counteract this by filling their minds with images of confidence.

You Can Beat the Giants
"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed." —T-SHIRT SLOGAN

If kids want to look and feel brave, they need to start telling themselves they're brave.  suggest that every time they're in front of a mirror at home, they look themselves in the eye and say, "I am brave. I am brave. I am brave."  Post signs with A AM BRAVE in places (inside a notebook, on their personal computer, by their desk or bed) where they'll see this affirmation throughout the day.

This may sound like pop psychology, but it works.  A fact of human behavior is that we act in accordance with our beliefs, and we believe what we repeatedly hear, think, and tell ourselves.  If we replace cowardly "I'm scared" messages with confident "I'm brave" messages, the brain will accept what we tell it and our body will behave accordingly.

This was delightfully demonstrated by a story told me by a successful executive.  I had asked how he got his confidence and positive attitude, and he said, "I owe it all to my mom.  She read the book The Magic of Believing, and it changed her life.

"Our small-town Little League team won our local championship, so we advanced to the regional tournament, where our first-round opponent was the top-seeded Giants.  The Giants were just that.  They were all five to six inches taller that us and at least fifty pounds heavier.

"No one thought we stood a chance except my mom.  She plastered posters all over our house that said 'Beat the Giants!' 'You Can Win.'  My friends came over and saw them and teased me unmercifully.  I was so embarrassed.

"But guess what?  We beat the Giants! Thanks to my mom, I learned early in life that you can do what you want if you just believe in it hard enough."

Are Your Kids Getting Emotionally Mugged?
"A liberal is a conservative who's been mugged." —ANONYMOUS

You may not agree with these suggestions to be a cool cat, stand your ground, learn martial arts or self-defense, or believe yourself to be brave and I understand your reticence to recommend anything that might put your children at risk.  The problems is, they're at risk whether we want them to be or not, and it's up to us to teach them and prepare them how they can handle bullies so they can take care of themselves.

Whatever you do, be sure to sit down with your kids and discuss this all-important issue.  Start off by asking questions instead of giving advice.  Find out what they think, what they've been dealing with.  Ask if their school has zero tolerance and what happens if they defend themselves from someone who is pushing them around.  Brainstorm options about how they can protect themselves from troublemakers.  Clarify whether they have permission to stick up for themselves if they're being picked on, and what such behavior looks like.

Whatever you do, please understand that doing nothing about this problem does not make it go away, it makes it worse.  Give your children a fighting chance by preparing them to deal with intimidators so they feel powerful instead of powerless.

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Reprint Rights:  Sam Horn's articles are copyrighted so if you would like to reprint any of these articles, please contact Sam Horn for permission and include the following: 

"Reprinted (or excerpted) with permission from Action Seminars' newsletter by Sam Horn, author of Tongue Fu! and Take The Bully By The Horns, http://www.samhorn.com, 805-528-4351."