Want to Know What To Say–When You Don’t Know What to Say?

Four Tongue Fu!®  Tips for Thinking on Your Feet

By Sam Horn, author of Tongue Fu!®

Words of comfort, skillfully administered, are the oldest therapy known to man.”  - Louis Nizer

Do you ever find yourself tongue-tied or tongue-twisted?

If so, you’re in the right place.  The following Tongue Fu!® Tips can help you say what you want to say – when you want to say it – instead of verbally stumbling for just the right words or responses. 

What is Tongue Fu!® you ask? It's best defined by an incident that took place while I was flying to New York for a media tour. I needed to double-check a quote, so I pulled out my copy of my book from my purse.  A woman across the aisle from me glanced at the title, grabbed the book out of my hands, and pronounced rather presumptuously, "That looks interesting. Tell me what it's about!"

"Well," I answered, tongue planted firmly in check, "it's how to handle difficult people -- without becoming one ourselves." She chuckled, and we went on to have an enjoyable conversation.

These tips are designed to help you respond proactively to challenging people in the moment, instead of having “brain freeze” and thinking of the perfect response  . . . on the way home.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 1. When people complain, don't explain; take the AAA train: Agree, apologize, and act.  Explanations can come across as excuses.  They often make people angrier because it seems we’re not being accountable. A better way:

Agree:  “You’re right, Mrs. Smith, we were supposed to send that brochure to you last week.

Apologize:  “And I’m sorry you didn't receive it yet.

Act:  “If I could please have your name and address again, I'll personally put that brochure in an envelope and make sure it goes out today." Voila! Complaint over.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 2. Has someone accused you of something you didn't do?

Don't defend or deny their accusation, no matter how untrue or unfair it is.  Instead, put the conversational ball back in their court with, "What do you mean?" or “Why do you think that?”  Asking for more information will often cause them to reveal the real issue, and you can address that instead of reacting to their verbal attack.

Imagine an upset client claims, "You don't care about your customers." Objecting with, "We do care about our customers.  We pride ourselves on our quality service" would only create a yes-we-do, no-you-don't debate.

Instead, ask, "What makes you say that?" The client may harrumph, "I've left three messages with  my account supervisor and no one's called back." Aaaah, now you know what's really bothering him.  You can answer his questions and apologize for the delay in returning the call instead of going back and forth about the subjective issue of whether or not you care for your customers.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 3.  Is someone blaming you for something that’s not your fault? Are tempers flaring at a staff meeting?  Are employees embroiled in a disagreement?

Stop blaming, shaming, and arguing with this hand gesture.  No, not that one!  Put up your hand like a police officer stopping traffic.  This universal “halt” gesture will stop people in their tracks, which gives you a chance to get your verbal foot in the door.

Then say these magic words: "We're here to find solutions, not fault." Remind them that John F. Kennedy said, "Our task is not to fix the blame for the past; it's to fix the course for the future.”

Why is it so important to use a hand gesture? If you try to talk over people who are arguing, what will they do?  Talk louder.  The voice of reason will get drowned out in the commotion.

 If a conversation is deteriorating into a gripe session, make a T with your hands and say, “Time-out! Calling each other names won't help. Instead, let's figure out how we can keep this from happening again."  Focusing the group’s attention on what can be done about this now instead of what should have been done before turns this into a constructive vs. destructive discussion.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 4. Are people swearing at each other or at you? Has someone gone ballistic?

 Hold them accountable by . . . taking notes.   Pull out paper and pen and say, "Start at the beginning and tell me what happened.”

Why is this so effective?  It moves people from an emotional frame of mind to an objective frame of mind.  They’re now reporting instead of ranting and raving.  Furthermore, they have to slow down so you can get everything written down.  And when they slow down, they calm down. Plus, jotting down what they’re saying motivates most people to clean up their language because they don't want documentation of their temper tantrum or verbal abuse.

Want an example of how this works?  I flew into LAX late one night and needed to get a taxi because the hotel shuttle had stopped running.  When I gave the driver my destination – which was only 5 minutes away – he started yelling at me. I knew why he was upset.  He had probably been waiting for hours and was frustrated at getting a “short” ride.  He was hoping to make $50, not $5.  I usually make up for this by giving cab drivers a large tip –however, not when they’re shouting at me. 

All I had to do was get a pen and a piece of paper from my briefcase.  I leaned over the partition, looked at the license displayed there and asked, “Excuse, me, how do you spell your name, please?” 

The driver put a sock in it.  When we arrived at our hotel, he immediately got out of the car, came around and opened my door, and said, “Please don’t report me.” The simple act of writing down his name brought him to his senses.  He voluntarily ceased and desisted because he realized it wasn’t in his best interests to continue to rant and rave at me.  Goal accomplished. -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -

This article is excerpted from Tongue Fu!® which Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.  (Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway) praised as being “Filled with delightful tools for keeping both feet on the ground instead of in the mouth.  Both young and old need to learn its lessons for creating connection instead of alienation.”   For more tips on how to think on your feet and communicate in a way that helps instead of hurts, visit www.SamHorn.com   Copyright, Sam Horn, 2006.  All rights reserved.

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