Network Naturally
Social Savvy Ways to Create Meaningful
Conversations and Connections
By Sam Horn, author of
What’s Holding
You Back?
“There are two kinds of people in the world – those who walk
into a room and say, ‘Here I am’ and those who say ‘There you are.’” –
Abigail Van Buren
Which are you?
Does the thought of “working a room” make you want to run from the room?
One of the first steps to actually enjoying networking instead of
dreading it is to switch our mindset from “What can I say?” to
“What would they like to talk about?”
Bertrand Russell said, “Fundamental happiness depends more than anything
else upon what may be called a friendly interest in persons and
things.”
Our happiness and success at meeting people depends on our decision to
stop trying to get people interested in us and to become more interested
in other people.
You may agree with this in theory, but you’re wondering, “How do I do
this in practice?”
Don’t Hog the
Conversational Ball
“For most people, the
opposite of talking isn’t listening . . . it’s waiting.” - Fran
Lebowitz
One way is to pose questions instead of make statements. Most people
talk about themselves when they’re nervous. The second there’s silence,
they rush to fill the void, usually with an “I” comment. This produces
what’s called “I to I” combat – a type of verbal ping-pong, chit chat
which stays on the surface.
Imagine a conversation ball. Talking about your experiences and
observations is interesting to other people only in small doses and is
the verbal equivalent of hogging the ball. The goal is to keep a
balance with the conversational ball spending equal time in both courts.
How to do this? The next time there’s a pause in the conversation and
you can’t think of anything to say, don’t say anything . . .. ask
something.
Whoever Does The Most
Talking Has The Most Fun
“To
seduce almost anyone, ask for and listen to his opinion.” - Malcolm
Forbes
Will, a participant in one of my
Network Naturally workshops,
said, “This makes sense, but sometimes this is like pulling teeth. I
took a new client to lunch last week. I must have asked him a hundred
questions and all I got back were grunts. I said, ‘Do you like living
in San Jose?’ He said, ‘Yeah.’ I asked, ‘Do you have any children?’
‘Three.’ I kept trying, ‘How long have you been with Comtrex?’ ‘Three
years.’ It was the longest lunch I’ve ever had.”
Will had the right idea, but the wrong type of questions. “Do you . . .
Have you. . . Are you?” are all closed questions. A closed question is
anything that can be answered with “Yes,” “No,” or a couple word
response. For example, “Did you like the movie?” “It was okay.” End of
conversation.
Closed questions often have the answer in them. “Did you have fun on
your vacation?” “Was that conference worthwhile?” They bring
conversations to a screeching halt because you’re doing the other
person’s thinking and talking for them. It’s a one-sided way of
controlling a conversation. All you’re doing is asking people to agree
with or deny what you’ve just said.
A
better way to create genuinely rewarding conversations is to ask “What?”
and “How?” questions. “What do you do when you’re not working?” “How
did you get into this industry?” “What do you suggest we do about this?”
These types of questions elicit more in-depth responses that reveal
information on which you can hang a conversation.
Relax! The Goal is to
Be Interested Rather Than Working So Hard to Be Interesting
“We can make more
friends in two weeks by becoming interested in other people, than we can
in two years by trying to get people interested in us.” - Dale Carnegie
Another way to set up truly enjoyable, two-way conversations is to
remember the two little words, “Tell me.”
You’ll never again need to worry what to talk about if you just preface
your requests with those words. For example, “Tell me, what advice would
you give someone starting out in this profession?” “Tell me about your
day.” “Tell me how that worked out for you.”
Will said these suggestions were an epiphany. “Put me in front of a
computer, and I’m in my element. Put me in a social situation and I’m
out of my element. These ideas helped me realize why I was uncomfortable
around prospective clients and why our time together was awkward.”
“I
was trying to prove I was smart, funny, and worth their valuable time.
A few days after your workshop, I took that client out to lunch again,
and it was night-and-day difference. The first time I had fired
questions at him and he had grunted answers back at me. This time I
started with open-ended “Tell me” questions and actually listened to and
cared about his answers. We didn’t click that first time because I was
talking AT him instead of WITH him. This time, we had a genuine
connection and I’m looking forward to doing business with him.”
Art, an association president, said he learned this valuable lesson
early in his career. “When I started out, I was eager to impress
everyone with my ideas and intelligence. I was quick to offer my input
whether people wanted to hear it or not.
Thankfully, the founding father of our organization took me aside and
told me I’d go a lot further in this business if I started asking
for advice rather than giving it. From then on, instead of
trying to show off what I knew, I started giving other people an
opportunity to share what they knew. Looking back, I think that has
been one of the most important ingredients to my professional success.”
This article is
excerpted from Sam Horn’s book What’s Holding You Back? 30 Days to
Developing the Confidence and Courage to Do What you Want, Meet Whom You
Want, and Go Where You Want, which Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup
for the Soul) said is a, “Must-read for anyone who wants to be more
polished, poised, and powerful at work, at home, in social settings, at
school, and in sports.” For more tips on how to walk into a room full
of strangers and turn them into friends (and clients), visit
www.SamHorn.com. Copyright, Sam Horn, 2009. All rights reserved.
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