Sam Horn, Author & Speaker - Tongue Fu, What's Holding You Back? & ConZentrate

.
Sam Horn, the Grandmaster of Tongue-fu, now applies her original insight and delightful wit to guide you toward a black-belt in bully-management. And, "Take the Bully by the Horns" offers even more than the title suggests. As you read and develop your "verbal samurai" skills, you will also deepen your understanding of human nature in a way that will enrich all your relationships. -Michael J. Gelb author of "How to Think Like Leonardo daVinci" and "Discover Your Genius: How to Think Like History's Ten Most Revolutionary Minds"

"Easy to read. Validating and inspiring. Practical to the core. Sam Horn takes the unpleasant topic of bullies and helps us take are of ourselves like never before. That's bodacious!" - Mary Foley, author of "Bodacious! An AOL Insider Cracks the Code to Outrageous Success for Women"

"A wonderful guide to setting limits with difficult people. Sam Horn helps us to recognize and respond to inappropriate and intrusive behavior with clarity and conviction." - Patti Breitman, co-author HOW TO SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

"In an age where rudeness 'rules' and people complain that being polite takes too long, Sam Horn offers a welcome wealth of sensible, civil alternatives for setting limits and handling pushy people who trespass on your personal territory." - Leslie Charles, author of "Why Is Everyone So Cranky?"

Way 19: Refuse to Play the Blame-Shame Game
"When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under Occupation she writes in, "Eroding my daughter's self-esteem." —ROBIN ROBERTS

BULLIES ARE MASTERS AT HOLDING OTHER PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR their misbehavior. Instead of claiming "The Devil made me do it," they argue, "You made me do it."

Blamers purposely go on the attack so you end up defending yourself instead of asserting yourself. They know that by focusing the fault on you, they keep it off themselves. They would rather erode your self-esteem than admit they made an error. If you're planning to confront a blamer about his or her actions, it's important to know this in advance so when he or she tries to turn the tables on you, you're prepared for it.

How to Hold Your Own When Holding Blamers Accountable

"To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics." —Hubert Humphrey

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is predictable. Here's how you can hold blamers accountable for mistakes.

1. USE AS FEW WORDS AS POSSIBLE. The wordier you are, the weaker you come across. Succinctness connotes confidence.

2. DON'T LISTEN TO REASON(S). Bullies always have rationalizations for why they did what they did. Think what the word rationalize means: "rational lies." It's not that they were late. No, traffic held them up. It wasn't that they were rude. No, it was that "uppity salesclerk" who made them lose their temper. It wasn't that they didn't deserve the promotion. No, it was that lousy supervisor who played favorites. Bullies always have a reason for everything, and non of them have anything to do with them.

3. APPEAL TO A BULLY'S NEED TO SAVE FACE, NOT TO ANY SENSE OF FAIRNESS. Trying to point out to a bully that what he or she is doing is morally wrong can be a waste of time. The only thing that motivates bullies to change their behavior is seeing that they will suffer in some way if they don't stop. Bullies respond to negative consequences. Only when we reverse the risk-benefit ration and they realize they're about to be penalized for their inappropriate actions will they choose to act differently.

4. GIVE THEM AN OUT. Since appearances are so important to bullies, it's smart to give them a way they can justify in their own minds that this was their decision to take responsibility and do things differently. Remember the young lad samurai at the beginning of the book who told her father, "I'm proud of graduating from Georgetown. If you're here to help me celebrate, you're welcome to stay. If you're not, leave." By giving bullies two options, both of which are acceptable to you, instead of an ultimatum and letting them choose which course of action they're going to take, they can comfort themselves with the perception that they're still in charge.

5. ACT OUTSIDE OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS. Sometimes we've got to be wild and crazy to get a bully's attentions. They may be so accustomed to ruling the roost, they don't even listen to anything we say anymore. A social worker who was supervising a shift at a juvenile detention home said two teenaged girls really got into it. They were wrestling on the floor, pulling each others hair, and punching each other. Nancy said she tried to pull them apart, to no avail. Several other employees joined the fray in an effort to stop the cat-fight, with no success. Finally, at the end of her rope, Nancy started screaming at the top of her lungs. The two teens stopped trying to hurt each other and stared at her in amazement. Nancy said, "I don't even know why I did it, but it worked."

Plan to Be Unpredictable
"Truth is might and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so." —Mark Twain

Why did this work so well? Nancy had done the unexpected. When dealing with bullies, we need to act outside our customary range of behavior or we'll get the customary results. We can tell the truth until we're blue in the face and it wont get through a habitual blamer's mental armor. Surprising then with unanticipated behavior forces them to come up with a new response. We're not doing same old, same old, so they can't either.

Don't Let Yourself Be Used as a Human Garbage Disposal
"I have had enough." —Golda Meir

A woman named Lisa said, "My roommate complained constantly about her job. She would itemize every little thing that had gone wrong, rehashing incidents and obsessing about what each person had said or done. A recurring theme was that everyone was a foul-up except her.

"When she had finished bashing everybody, she'd waltz off and I'd be left sitting there, down in the dumps. If I ever dared to suggest that she might be playing some role in all this and her censure was a little one-sided, she'd turn on me with 'Oh, great" So now my own roommate is criticizing me? Who else am I supposed to talk to if I can't talk to you?'

"I wish I'd known about the Rights/Needs Seesaw because it would have helped me see how one-sided her behavior was. Five minutes into it, I would have told her 'Enough!' and gotten up and walked away. She probably would have called me a few other choice names, but that would have been better than sitting there and letting her turn me into her own private dumping ground."

Can You Say Unequivocal?
"I know she's outspoken, but by whom? —Dorothy Parker

One of the best ways to persuade blamers to put a sock in it is to stand up and say "Enough!" The one word "Enough" is perfect because it's brief and it's unequivocal.

Unequivocal is such a great word. It means definite, explicit, incontestable, unambiguous. These are all the things we want to be when dealing with outspoken people who find fault with everyone but themselves. Remember, bullies and blamers are full of intensity, and in a confrontation between intensity and uncertainty, intensity almost always wins. That's why we need to speak with self-assurance. When they sense that we're unequivocal instead of ambiguous, they're not so quick to dump on us because they know we have a mind of our own. (What a concept!)

From now on, understand you do not have to patiently listen to faultfinders who are bending your ear (and will). One way bullies control us is by taking up our time. Think about it: the blamer plays the dominant role, the listener the passive role. Bullies control the situation (and you) by commanding your attention — whether you want to give it to them or not.

Off-loading problems on others is not appropriate — unless it's complicit. To expect people to stop everything and listen to them orate ad infinitum is insensitive at best, selfish at worst. Only a bully would do this repeatedly, and only a bully would accuse you of being a lousy listener if you're unwilling to be a mute audience to his or her monologue.

As comedienne Paula Poundstone said, "I thing we need a Twelve Step group for nonstop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon." The next time someone starts talking on and on and on, cut 'em off. This may come across as politically incorrect, but continuing to give them a sympathetic ear will perpetuate their whines and reasons. As Gertrude Stein said, "Let me listen to me, not to them." And if a trash-talker in your life doesn't like it, remember the work "Tough."

Detach, Don't Debate
"Not only did he not suffer fools gladly; he did not suffer them at all." —Lester B. Pearson

One of the most important ways to cancel the blame-shame game is to detach instead of defend. As discussed earlier, manipulators know that if they blame you for an error, you'll be tempted to deny it. As soon as you do, they have succeeded in changing the subject and moving the spotlight off them and onto you.

Remember, if a bully attacks with "You love your ex-boyfriend more than you do me," don't protest with "That's not true!" If you do, he has just succeeded in engaging you in a "Yes, you do; no, I don't" debate. Instead say, "We agreed that discussing previous partners serves no one. That topic is off-limits." If the bully persists with "You're laughing in all your pictures with him and you never laugh when you're with me," say, "Drop it. We're not going there." Notice these responses are short and they don't challenge the content of what the other person is saying. Notice that you don't wait until the other person stops talking (that could be a long time). If you're dealing with someone who, as John Mason says, "talks at the drop of a pause," you need to interrupt and cut 'em off before they build up a head of blame-shame steam. They can't sell you a ticket for a guilt trip if you don't buy it.

Order "Take the Bully by the Horns" and you'll receive:

a list of phrases you can use to deflect blame and shame,
the action plan and discussion questions specifically written for this chapter, and
the chapter summary.
Use this link to buy it NOW at Amazon.com!

TOP

Reprint Rights: Sam Horn's articles are copyrighted so if you would like to reprint any of these articles, please contact Sam Horn for permission and include the following:

"Reprinted (or excerpted) with permission from 'Action Seminars Newsletter' by Sam Horn, author of Tongue Fu!® and Take The Bully By The Horns, www.samhorn.com, 805-528-4351."

<< BACK to Take The Bully By The Horns